they critic bcoz they care about u... :)

dearie friends...

If u could eliminate all defensiveness in your personality, u would not only have the best relationship in town but, in fact, u would become the most loving & adorable person on the planet..

you'd have so much charisma & charm, you'd be almost irresistible, a virtual magnet for human companionship..

people would flock to be in your presence, and u & your partner would live happily ever after, insya'Allah... :)

let's be realistic..

no one can eliminate all of their defensive reactions; it's part of being human..

everyone seems to get defensive at least some of the time because no one likes to be criticized, questioned, attacked, judged, lectured, or spoken down to..

however, with some gentle effort, we've found that it's relatively easy to make great strides in the direction of becoming less defensive.

'defensive' means that we are feeling the need to defend ourselves.. emotionally, we coil up, tighten. & resist the comments (sometimes even the thoughts) that are being directed toward us. we do things in an attempt to protect ourselves, as part if our built-in 'fight or flight' response..


dearie...

it's both fortunate & unfortunate that our knee-jerk defensive responses never seem to keep us from feeling hurt, rejected, or insecure..

it's unfortunate because, if they worked, we'd all be feeling pretty secure.
we would have a strategy that could keep us from feeling dejected whenever we felt criticized..

but if u pay close attention to how u actually feel after any type of defensive response, you'll
notice that you end up feeling even WORSE.. It seem to do nothing more than put salt in the wound.. :'-(

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu,

dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu,

padahal ia amat buruk bagimu,

Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”

-Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216

dearie...

the alternative to feeling or active defensive is called ACCEPTANCE..

unlike defensiveness, which is like tightening your fist & becoming stubborn, scceptance is like releasing your fist & becoming open & receptive. when u strive for acceptance, u are attempting to receive life (including criticism, comments u disagree with & etc)

Acceptance is NOT BECOMING a DOORMAT , nor is it about becoming apathetic.. neither is it about changing your most treasured beliefs..

instead, acceptance is about becoming slightly more open & receptive to what others have to say.. it's about becoming less reactive & better listener.. insya'Allah... :)

at first, bcoz it may feel foreign, a more accepting attitude & response to life may be a little difficult.. to get started requires a leap of faith - the willingness to try softer approach..

this is one of those beautiful experiences, however, that gets much easier with each attempt.. once u see how much easier your life & your relationships become, you'll be hooked! :)

u'll lose your desire to fight back so much.. :)


dearie...

once u are on your way, you'll find yourself choosing your battles more wisely...
when something is truly important or worth defending, you'll be certainly make the effort - BUT with 'small stuff' you'll be more inclined to stay a little more detached..

when someone lashes out at u or criticizes u ---> u'll remain calm & able to decide whether or not there is any validity in the comments.

u will either learn from the experience or u will wisely let it go.. either way, it won't affect u nearly as much as it used to... :)


dearie...

there are enormous dividends that come with becoming less defensive..
your partner will respond to your change of heart by being easier to be around- and u will probably become less SENSITIVE too...
insya'Allah.. :)


in addition.. your learning curve will become sharper..
instead of reacting to criticism or suggestions with anger, fear, and withdrawal, you'll find yourself interested in the other point of view..
u will have more heart to heart conversations and far fewer adversarial conflicts..
insya'Allah..


:p


dearie... why not u give it a try? what have u got to lose.. other than a habitual reponse that interferes with your relationship's being all that it can be?

"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum

sehingga mereka mengubah

apa yang ada pada diri mereka sendiri."

~Surah Al-Ra'd ayat 11,

wallahua'lam...

p/s : criticsm on me remind me that they really cared about me.. thank Q very much~